As a young lass who has become somewhat of a professional bachelorette over my short lived years, I can affirm my time spent on dating apps has been saturated. Now, save your tears my children. I am doing just fine. However I do find myself in a predicament quite often whilst swiping as my thumbs frequently tilt to the left for the same reasons. Nevertheless since this is my website, I decided to write on the topic in the hopes of convincing the male demography to perhaps use these golden rules when embarking on their journey of epic tales to win the heart of a beautiful maiden who resides in the far lands of the digital kingdom.
*Please take the following with a grain of salt. But if you do use these suggestions, I will forever be grateful.
** I know us, the fair maidens, are the main culprits of breaking many of these rules, so I shall do my best in making this piece impartial, but I can't promise anything. So let's dive into it, shall we?
Swiping red flags
#1 NO BIO
I don't know if you're like me, but when I'm window-shopping, I enjoy the small things in life such as looking at the care label as this will indicate what I'm getting myself into. I want to know if my sweater will be made of merino wool for example (that's top notch wool quality, if you ask me) and if it's dry-clean only or if I can throw it in the wash. In the end, that little tag will mold my decision. So don't be a label-less sweater, tell me about yourself. Plus, this might help open the conversation when getting a match instead of going with the boring hi, what's up.
#2 More than one dude in the photos
Yeah, I don't have time to investigate to see who's James. Worst case, put an arrow above you head to make things easier or else I'd assume you're the ugliest of the bunch.
#3 The nameless child
When using a child as a prop in your photos, simply indicate who the child belongs to. Some of us are not ready to accept this undisclosed baggage.
#4 Having your height and weight clearly indicated
Why don't you write about your mass index while you're at it. I might be part of a dying breed, but I won't swipe left if the guy is shorter than me. And I certainly don't care if you're 5 feet 10 inches and 3 quarters.
#5 The selfie situation
Oh lord! Alright before I get stoned, I do allow selfies since us, girls, shamelessly use them in our profile too. HOWEVER, I put my limit on certain things that make my eyes roll out loud which are the following:
#5.1 The car selfie
WHY ARE YOU TAKING A PIC IN YOUR CAR?! I don't get that. You're supposed to be driving not feeling yourself! Moreover, the seat-belts situation with the sunglasses...I can't even.
#5.2 The gym selfie
Congratulations, you are a douche! If there's the famous pose on the side with the shirt that's lifted, I am barfing.
#5.3 Selfie with the cropped face
How to spot a butterface 101
#5.4 The duck face
I-N-S-T-A-N-T-L-Y T-O T-H-E L-E-F-T
#5.5 Face is stuck in the same frame
Could be for all photos but I do find these mainly with selfies. When you're using the same face/profile... I don't need 5 of those. One is enough.
#5.6 The bathroom selfie
How in the world you thought taking a photo of yourself in the most generic bathroom meant a winning shot for you. This I will never understand.
#6 Limited used of photos
I mean, you can post more than one photo. For one, it will lower my chances of thinking you're a catfish and you know the say: a photo speaks a thousand words, so don't be shy.
#7 Going overboard with the Emojis
You're a gown *ss man, you know some words, use them :)
PS: Please don't put your zodiac sign, for the love of God.
#8 The grammar crisis
Some people deserve to be slapped repeatedly in the face with a dictionary.
#9 The basic one
''I like to travel''... Like who the f*ck doesn't?!
#10 Being mildly creepy with your Insta and/or Snapchat
Putting your Instagram and Snapchat handles on your profile make my eyes bleed. Listen, I am all good with linking your IG to your profile, but adding your handle is creepy. I won't slide into your DMs going ''hey, we didn't match buy I saw you on this app'' or the famous ''add me on IG since I never use Tinder''; that's just messed up. Oh, and don't even get me started with Snapchat. I have reached my lifetime quota of unsolicited dick picks MANY years ago and do not wish to bust that number in the future. And who the hell still uses Snapchat?!
#11 Can't smile
If I see all of your pictures are missing your teeth, I will ask one of the following:
-He is happy?
-Does he have a crappy smile?
-The hell is wrong with his face?
#12 Already complaining when you've done sweet f*ck all
I have come across many profiles where the latter simply states ''if you this, don't talk to me'', or ''if you're that, don't bother swiping right''. Take a chill pill.
Instant regret after getting a match
#13 That DTF comment
#14 Straight to ghosting
I mean, after three messages or a day's worth, you don't even have the time to see that so-say person that he's already ghosting you.
#15 That awkward second encounter
Imagine talking to this guy and he says this is not the first time we matched... I guess it wasn't memorable enough... so yeah ghosting here is permitted.
#16 Straight up lying
''Oh, I don't use this app often'' or the ''my friend downloaded it for me''... I can feel my eyes rolling to the back of my brain.
Have fun swipping :)